Beyond Gobbling Like a Turkey

Discordians have access to all of the other magical systems out there, including the one YOU possibly just invented last week. In addition, we have developed some of our own unique magical practices. We have gathered some of them here with brief descriptions and any relevant (dis)information for those of you out there who may wish to try some basic potent magic without having to jump through semantic hurdles or yoga-type herculean efforts. Most of Discordian magic is 'on-the-fly' or 'ready-made' when it is not parodying some of the more ceremonial stuff. It is magic that both works and is entertaining. It is also magic to get results, as Discordians don't really waste too much time on belief systems (unless we are being silly). Likewise, we don't really waste time on learning all the intricacies of someone's astrally based system of knowledge, especially because we intuit that such systems are either full of shit, piss, or pendantic occult waste.

Not everything that is Discordian magic will be found here. This is just a collection of spells and techniques. A start. Hopefully, someone better than we will come along and do a more polished work. (Unless of course you are a publisher and would like to pay us large sums of money to do the kinds of insane work required to collect most of what could be considered Discordian magical practices.)

What you have here before you is a quick overview of some practices developed by Discordians. They have been tried, tested, and tweaked to give them more oomph, or something. They are ready to go. Note that many of these spells are considered 'golden apples', if you know what we mean. The whole thing is divided into subjects, or types of magical practices. Though you can feel free to mix and match. You're the magician or witch or what-have-you, after all.

Quickies

Chaos Breath

Whispering ‘Hail Eris!’ ‘Praise Eris!’ or ‘All Hail Discordia’ in a roomful of people who are bothersome or irritating to you in some way, but otherwise not terribly at odds with each other, will do the trick of setting off some chain of small events or verbiage which will cause the people to pick at each other. Before whispering it, gather up the intention to provoke chaos. Raise a little energy (not too much, otherwise you may serve as a warning for others). Imagine some sort of chaotic vortex softly sliding past you and into the crowd, if that sort of thing floats your boat. You may not wish to stay and witness this, depending upon the severity of the situation. (It also may not be wise to do this in some place that you frequent and plan on returning to.) But do go somewhere and leave an offering to Eris at some point afterwards. It is important to do this with the intention of causing the chaos so as to separate from those times when you normally use these expressions.

Break Bottle

Gather up your intention. Take a bottle full of your favourite alcoholic substance (and if you can't think of one, just grab a beer from the fridge). Raise energy into the bottle. A lot of energy. Smash the bottle. (Take the precaution of protecting your eyes and other things from possible flying shards, if that's your style.) This is the sort of spell to do if you are angry at someone, or need to get something resolved...or even if you just want to get some shit stirred. It is designed to get rid of whatever emotionally blocks you. It is also helpful for most other types of intentions. The bottle break is a very effective launch technique for energy spells, except healings. (Though sigils work great with this method.) If you are not into any of that, the bottle break is a good way to show appreciation to She-Who-Done-It-All.

Quick Air Summoning

This can be used to just summon an air elemental to you, or for having them carry simple messages for you. Pick up your telephone and dial '*', hum or sing three clear notes. Hang up the phone. Whatever simple message you have in your mind will get to your intended recipient. As an extra seal, you may wish to state your message out loud. It is important to clearly know who the recipient is to be. (Note: This spell can be entertaining in public places, especially if there is more than one of you doing it on different phones around the same time.)

Longer Doings

Cayenne Lovin'

Sometimes it is necessary to put a little chaotic oomph into your cleansing or warding activities, especially in outdoor urban environments, where the energy is thick and needs to be pushed along. This little spell involves a bunch of powdered cayenne pepper (you can buy this cheaply in most grocery stores), some incense/hooka charcoal (you can find this in either occult-type shops, or in Middle-Eastern stores where hookas are sold), metal tongs, and a lighter or matches. This spell is good for clearing an area of any energy you wish to be cleared out. It also tends to clear any other living breathing things from the vicinity. You probably don't wish to do this for any indoor areas. You take the charcoal and holding it by the tongs, light it. It should start to fizz and catch within seconds. Blow on the charcoal a bit to help it along. The charcoal will eventually begin to glow. Set it down on a non-flammable surface and, while keeping your face covered, place some of your cayenne powder onto the charcoal. It should start fumigating the area. You probably want to leave the immediate area so you don't develop breathing problems. Whether your intention was for warding or for cleansing, it will work immediately. To further the activity, also mix some cayenne with salt and sprinkle around the area you are warding. (Note: This spell is powerful. You may want to do it in secret as cayenne fumes are heavy and very irritating, especially to unprepared passers-by.)

Spam Sigil

Since you are probably reading this online, you have email. Since you have email, you probably get all sorts of annoying spam. Well, don't fret or worry. You can use the spam for sigil spells. Simply scout your spam subject titles for any random phrases that catch your eye. Build up a sort of cut-and-paste-cut-up text. Add some of your own phrases to the text, in the same way you would add your intention to the generation of a sigil or other spell. Now that you have your finished text, you can either randomly pull phrases from it to generate a new subject line to email it with. Or you may wish to use more significant amounts of the text as the subject. Whatever works best for you. Then send it back out to whoever is spamming you, also send to others who may be working with you, in case it's a group effort. The sending of it launches the sigil into action. There is already a tremendous amount of energy involved, and its potency only increases as various people, or machines, read the subject line. (It is not necessary for anyone to actually open the text. And the text should be pretty damned close to gibberish at this point, anyway.) Voila! A spam sigil. There you go. Hail Eris!

Cabalistic Eris Invocation

Gather your cabal and cast your sacred oblong, or whatever shape it is to be tonight. Invoke the five elements. Let your episkopos (if you don't have one, pick someone randomly to stand in as one) get all frothed up on beer or tequila and start speaking random Discordian-sounding phrases. Someone should read a cut-up version of Erisian quotes, or you all should do it simultaneously. At this time, if your episkopos can still stand (if not, pick someone else again), have them begin throwing poptarts at your cabal's predesignated 'High Priestess' at which point she will throw them back, or at whoever she wishes. (Or he, if you have no 'she'.) At this point Eris will come and maybe be drawn down into your High Priestess. She will then astound you all with Her confusing revelations, or perhaps, whatever the hell She wants to say at the moment. Eris may or may not leave at that point, so you should just get on with the ritual and close it by eating all of the poptarts and starting the party. Have a good time, especially if Our Lady shows up.

Personal Eris Invocation

Aren't you lucky? You get to do all of the above yourself. Or you can try simply calling upon Her. She gets around to listening to you, if you keep it up, and then do it regularly. Eris may like it if you light clove cigarettes as an incense offering. She may also like chili-dogs, with or without the buns, depending on Her mood that night. And don't forget the tequila or beer, for Her, but mostly for yourself as a recovery option, in case She chats your ear off. Just remember that when She leaves, you may as well say 'KALLISTI'.

Shielding / Warding

Shielding is good practice for any magical artist. Whether you need to ward off bad energy, or to keep certain people away from your personal space, you may wish to learn a few things that will effectively shield you, your home, and others you may care for. Because each individual must use the materials and energy from their own life to do this, we offer only suggestions that are just shy of actual rituals/spells in the following topics.

Making a Personal Shield

For shielding yourself or others, you simply need to raise energy up from the earth and imagine a white light expanding around you/your loved one into a protective sort of bubble. You can use various symbols of protection, such as pentagrams, circles with lines through them, etc. To seal the protection. You can invoke Eris, if you feel that She will be into this sort of thing. Eris will be there for you, only if you commune with Her regularly (like many other deities). This little ritual takes at least a half-hour and should be done frequently in the beginning. After a while you can lessen it to once every few weeks, just for psychic hygeine and maintenance. You may also incorporate this ritual with a ritual cleansing, such as a bath or shower, to suit your own magical preferences or needs. Also note that this process, when done to oneself will benefit others around you that you care about.

Shielding Your Spot/Home

You can modify the above process and add in various elemental properties or aspects which you see fit to include for shielding and sealing off your place of residence (or any other spot) from any unwanted energies, or even other beings. The trick is to cover all entrances and exits with signs and seals, such as windows, doors, outlets, faucets, air ducts, etc. The traditional Neo-Pagan fashion may be to invoke the four elements and then make a circuit of the place with each representation of the element. (Candles for fire, sprinkled salt (and possibly pepper) for earth, water, incense or smoke for air, etc.) A Discordian take on this may be to use sugar (sweet), cayenne (pungent), loud sounds (boom), oil or salt or a mix (for prickle), and candles, lights, or various colorful banners or cloth-strips (orange). The choice is yours. You may also wish to draw various runes, sigils, or signs, (invisibly or not) around all of the openings of your spot. It usually takes a few days of doing one spell/ritual a day, if you want to layer up on the shielding. After that, you need only do a few maintenance checks and house/spot cleanings every few months. But only you yourself can know this. NOTE: Some of us are under the opinion that frequent usage of 'Hail Eris' while smoking clove cigarettes and splashing tequila about will do the trick.

Wards

You can make wards quickly with a little cayenne or some other spice. Magical artists usually have their own prefered series of wards. Some will choose to have guardians as wards. Others simply design them with energy. However you do them, design them so that only those who have malice, or who wish to harm or steal will be affected. You can design sigils with these intentions and trace them over the ins/and/outs. Or draw them on paper/parchment and stash them nearby. You may also follow the suggestions above for shielding. Also look to enchanting objects to bury around your property, or to hang around your home (or even on your body, if you need.) Wards will usually pass the 'bad' energy/being along, but they should also alert you to what is happening. You may wish to use loud music in the design of your wards that will then be subsequently maintained by, you guessed it, more loud music. (Though you may wish to check with your neighbors to see if they would mind.)

Sledgehammer, Rifle, and Sword

Sometimes it is necessary to get nasty with magical defenses. Sometimes a little offense does the trick, especially in today's urban world. If invisibility, or the ability to pass unseen won't be enough. Or if you need to counter someone's aggressiveness for whatever reason. Here are some effective combat-type spells for you to try out. But please remember that your first line of defense is awareness. Also, try to never allow yourself into a situation where you only have recourse to one option.

The Spit Triangle

If you are being followed, or say it's some other time when you need a potent magical defense on the fly, you should use the triangle. It is a good idea to practice triangles first, so that you can do them on the fly in case you need them. Most triangle magic is used for the creation of wards, or nasty astral 'booby' traps and can be made more potent with time. This spell is similar except, you will be leaving the triangle on the ground immediately and for a more temporary duration. Simply intone the vowels AAAAAAh-EEEEEE-OOOOOh and using your dominant hand trace each side of the triangle with each vowel on the ground. (It is not necessary to actually physically touch the ground. Do it like you would trace a banishing pentagram in the air with your hand or athame.) When you intone and trace for the real thing, gather up energy with the intention to, say, harm or cause pain or discomfort for the person about to step across the triangle, after you have charged up enough energy and are ready to launch, spit energetically down onto the triangle. The spitting seals and activates it. The person who is, let's say, following you, may either suddenly change their mind about following you (if they have a good internal alarm), or may step across the triangle and receive what could be the jolt of their life. The triangle will overpower their own energy centers and can cause nausea or even unconsciousness. You may design different effects into the triangle as you are intoning the three vowels. (Note: Don't stick around once the triangle has been 'launched' and set. Your ability to get away quickly is still your best bet. In any event, your target will probably never know what hit them. But Eris will get a kick out of it, especially if you dedicate it afterwards to Her.)

The Sigil Rifle

Sometimes you need to 'snipe' one or two people from afar, or from hiding, in order to clear the air for you or someone else's defense or safety. This sigil spell will do the trick. First draw a glyph that represents the person or target. Design into the glyph your intention (i.e. to inflict a massive localized headache, a sudden muscle spasm, an energy attack, etc.) From here, you can go one of two ways. The first way is to draw over the glyph a symbol of the attack you have in mind. Then launch the sigil however you wish. The second is to actually launch the sigil by stabbing it suddenly, etc. The results of the sigil should manifest on your target within a few hours up to a few days. (Think of the sigil as a sort of assassin who may need to take a little time to get the job done.) This spell works well for one specific attack. Though you may wish to experiment with its design. If you design a particularly good 'attack' glyph (from option one), you may wish to repeat it in the event you need to go after others. Simply use that 'attack' glyph over and over as many times as you need. If it helps, think of the 'attack' glyph part as the rifle and the individualized sigils as the bullets. (Thus this spell's title of 'sigil rifle').

Jump In The Fire - Creepy Crowley

This is easily done by any magical practitioner, no matter their experience level or martial arts degree. As anyone even remotely associated with the oddball antics of the occult subculture knows, Crowley's aura can provoke a lot of unwarranted hysteria and outrage. These provocations can be used to any Discordian's advantage. This spell is easily accomplished by reciting some of Crowley's work, say the Book of Lies, whenever some serious occultists have gathered to discuss their own pretentious theories or imagined accomplishments. Simply sit or stand there and slightly whisper the passage you like. (This is much like the 'chaos breath' spell above.) It works best if you and anyone else in on the gag do not let the others know what you are doing. Simply whisper the Crowley passage and bring it to life by adding your energy to it. Watch what happens. The effects may not be immediate, but over time you are sure to see some strange behaviours or happenings around the occultists you have chosen. We don't know exactly what advantages you seek to gain from this. Only you and Eris could know that for sure. In any event, you are sure to get a hoot out of it.

Chaotic Witchery

This spell has been adapted from the 'Craeft of Witchereez' piece written by Frater Stupidius and appearing in LIBER 23. (Find LIBER 23, if you want to see the original.) To prepare for this ritual spell, you must first secure and cleanse your working space. Bring any tools or items you would like to offer/destroy. (Or you can just try playing sink.) Then, you drink enough of your favourite alcoholic beverage to get yourself drunk, but not so out of it that you become incoherent. (Whatever, but don't say we didn't warn you.) Then you begin to spin around in such a state you find yourself in. If you are doing this with others, have them shout out random statements. If alone, play different sources of music simultaneously. Raise up as much energy as you can. When it reaches a peak, stop suddenly and feel the chaotic vortex spiralling out of you. Burn or destroy the things you have brought for your offering. (Or sink them.) Spin around again. If you are with a group, this is when they join you in your whirling. Everyone should keep shouting out their random phrases. (Some of them may be phrases you may wish to remember later on, for further work.) When the energy crescendos, launch it out suddenly by dropping to the ground. When your equilibrium has recovered, any excess energy will have been grounded out of you. The ritual as written is basically like this, except that you may wish to launch the energy with a specific intention planned before hand. Also note that many people like to seal and close the ritual by drawing a spiral pentagram (or other such symbols) into the air above their space. You can also adapt this ritual for any spell working. (It is similar to many 'energy raising' rituals used in Witchcraft, especially the Wiccan versions.) If you would like to increase the potency of the chaotic vortex, you may feel free to use the Ouranian Incantation that has been floating around chaoist circles. Or use something of your own design. Or use combinations of Hailing Eris, and gobble gobble, or something.

 This guide will grow as more is added...

KALLISTI!

(K)opyleft on Bureaucracy 58th, 3170. All Rites Reversed by the Discordians for Softer Sandpaper Society / Purple Monkey Mafia-Cabal.