The Illuminati

The history of the world is the history of competing forces, or so dialectical materialism assures us - and who are we to argue with such a neat sounding philosophy? Discordians recognize these two forces as the Eristic, those who accept chaos and absurdity, and the Aneristic, those who try to impose order and seriousness on the world. The greatest proponents of the Aneristic theory have been the Illuminati, who have existed for all time, and were also formed in 1776 as the Bavarian Illuminated Adepts. They're behind all of the major conspiracies in history. The Kennedy Assassination, Area 51, the Hashishim, the Spanish Inquisition, the Destruction of Atlantis, Communism, The fall of Mu, Capitalism, and the recent rash of Boy Bands that have glutted the pop market. Ever noticed the All-Seeing Eye on the US currency? That's Illuminati! And the bar-code on your copy of Big Jugs Monthly? Yup, them too. And when your sock disappears in the dryer? Actually, that's an fnord, but the Illuminati made the dryer - so there! See, they're trying to enforce their twisted notion of law and order and normalcy on the world. Why? I'm not sure, actually. But I know that it's really complicated, probably has to do with business suits, anal probes, and Starbucks coffee, and that we really, really, really don't want them to win - so it's everyone's duty to try and stop them, to turn the tide and unleash small pockets of chaos wherever you can. Laugh. Do the unexpected. Be silly. This really pisses the Greyfaces off.

Ewige blumenkraft und ewige schlangekraft!!

Ever wondered why there are five sides on the Great Pyramid (counting the bottom)? Or exactly who killed Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy? How about why the Supreme Court made Bush President when he pretty obviously wasn't? Or why all research into the speech of dolphins has been silently squashed? Or maybe why the same symbol of the dollar bill is the stylized logo of America Online? Or maybe you're wondering who always takes all the good parking spaces. If you've ever wondered any of these, or virtually anything else, the answer is the same: the sinister influence of the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria, more commonly called the Bavarian Illuminati. The Illuminati are, as their own flyers proclaim, “the world's oldest and most successful conspiracy”. They control the Catholic Church, the Federal Reserve, the Russian Mafia, the Libertarian Party of America, Communist Cuba, Amnesty International, and the John Birch Society, among others. Anyone you don't like is probably a high-ranking Illuminatus, and any totally inexplicable disaster or act of stupidity is likely their fault. Although their purpose is rather secret, it is assumed that they want Order: they are the champions of bureaucracy, strait-jacket philosophy, and anerism everywhere. Which explains why things are so messed up. Honestly, if you've been reading the news, can you honestly believe that there's no secret evil conspiracy out to cause things to go wrong?

Although the history of the Illuminati is rather sketchy, certain details are agreed upon by all. They may or may not have been founded in ancient Atlantis, and are as likely as not to have supervised the construction of the Great Pyramid of Egypt. Hassan i-Sabbah of the Assassins likely had a high-rank in their organization. The most important Illuminatus of modern times was Adam Weishaupt, a Primus Illuminatus who rebuilt the Order from the ground up and officially rededicated it in 1776. After running into a few technical difficulties in Bavaria, he moved to America, where he masqueraded as George Washington with astounding success, even managing to be made the first President. Ever since his death, the United States has been the centre for Illuminati operations, particularly small towns in Texas (not that we're implying anything!)

The Illuminati are actually rather easy to find, once you know what to look for. Their most obvious symbol is the Pyramid of the Eye (pictured above), which can be seen in a certain very prominent place. The ourobouros (a snake eating its tail) is associated with them as well. Other good signs of Illuminatus activity are the numbers 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, and 23 (especially 23), the letter “W”, or the phrase “Property of the Bavarian Illuminati! Ewige Blumenkraft!” This last phrase is their official slogan, and should be avoided whenever seen. For more information, check out our ‘Special Offers’ section, where we have an Illuminati Spotting Guide.

Chaos is the sum of all order